About last night: Partner swapping and privacy

July 10, 2017

Q: We are both really keen to open our bedroom up to other sexual play partners, but we’re anxious about how we protect our privacy. We’re worried that big crowd events (such as Saints ‘n’ Sinners) raise the risk of us bumping into people we know. At the other end of the scale, we’re suspicious about the truthfulness of some of the “couples” posing online. Is there such a thing as safe anonymous partner swapping and party play? And where do we start?

A: As it sounds like you are on the same page about this adventure I will make this mutuality the basis of my response. It is important to protect yourselves, and maintain your privacy as you proceed, so do your research, and plan carefully.

I spoke to one of the founders and organisers of The Saints and Sinners Erotic Fancy Dress Ball, who is also involved in the small party, and the adult contacts world. He acknowledged your concerns about bumping into people you know at S&S, and presumably the smaller parties, too.

“My standard answer to that is twofold. Firstly, at S&S there’s nothing to stop them wearing a mask, which is what a significant minority do. Combined with the low lights in the venue, that’s usually enough to avoid getting recognised.  Secondly, [if they’re] recognised … it simply means that they and their ‘friends’ each have a good reason to keep each others’ involvement a secret … any friend they come across … is probably just as worried as they are about discretion … Just assure the other couple that they’ll be discreet, then that will be enough for the other couple to do the same … and [you all] will probably feel much more at ease.”

When it comes to the challenge of locating like-minded, bona fide “playmates” with whom to explore your fantasies, he says: “Advertising these days is overwhelmingly geared towards one or both of two websites. Either Adultmatchmaker (AMM) or Red Hot Pie (RHP). In Victoria, AMM seems to work better. Both sites operate a ‘verification’ system that enables you to know early on if you’re talking to a real couple, and not some guy pretending to be a couple. However, there’s no substitute for eventually insisting on talking with both partners on the phone before arranging a meet up, just to ensure that the female partner really exists.”

When it comes to meeting someone, do not invite them into your home initially. It is much harder to extricate yourselves, and they know where you live. Meet somewhere public, like a bar or a cafe. To avoid any awkwardness, agree on a signal that means that you do not want to go any further with these people. If all goes well, use this meeting to establish some agreements before you play.

Agree on the safer-sex protocols that you will observe, Discuss other practicalities – cost sharing, his bad back, her latex intolerance, and so on. Set boundaries. What is the situation with same sex contact? Do you allow anal play? Sorting things out beforehand frees you to enjoy the encounter. A useful guide to establishing informed consent can be found at curiouscreatures.biz.au

At first, it is best to meet in a hotel room. Again, it is easier to bail out, and preserves your privacy.

Your sex play must be “safe, sane, and consensual”. Do not get off your heads on alcohol or drugs. Establish a “safe word” that means “stop NOW”. Continue checking in with one another to make sure everyone is OK. It is easier to relax if you know your wishes will be respected.

When it comes to visiting one of the smaller parties such as Debauchery or Monkey Club, the advice is: “As they’re seeking couples, tell them to avoid parties that allow single guys. Tell them to approach all parties through their websites initially, asking for information, and that will help them decide which party might be best for them in terms of location, facilities and numbers of people. After that they should phone the operators of the ones that appeal to them, for a chat.”

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

. . . . .

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

 

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.