About Last Night: Enjoy willing participation 05-11-17

November 6, 2017

Q: Jill and I are adventurous playmates in our early 50s, but increasingly I notice Jill only wanting foreplay that focuses on her erogenous zones, with no reciprocal effort on her part. And her main lovemaking pleasure is when we combine missionary or “doggy” position with me and a large sex toy much bigger than just me fully aroused. How do I ask her about this without seeming insecure?

A: First and foremost, be grateful and happy that Jill is an adventurous and willing participant in your lovemaking, who feels safe and confident enough to pursue her desires in the bedroom. It is common for one or other person to lose interest once the novelty of being with a partner has worn off. When a couple has being having sex for a while there is a danger that things will become formulaic, or that one or both partners gets a little lazy, especially if there is no clear communication about what each person would like to do.

When I had the Bliss for Women shop, women would often come in to buy a sex toy. They would look at the range, then many would say, “I’d like to buy that big one, but I’ll get the smaller size so that hubby doesn’t feel insecure.”.

I always thought that it was a shame that they felt that they could not enjoy their authentic desires for fear of bruising a delicate male ego. The fact is that Jill probably adores your penis, just as it is. Some women do, however, enjoy the feeling of extreme fullness too. Many sex toys are much bigger than is anatomically probable, or even possible, but they offer another style of stimulation. Similarly, you might be aroused by the sight of a pair of massive breasts, but you still adore playing with the breasts Jill owns, whatever their size. Please guys, stop worrying about penis size, and focus on whether your partner is enjoying herself.

Good communication is the basis of good sex. It can be embarrassing to talk about sex, but no one is psychic, and Jill cannot know what to do if she is not told. You need to ask for what you want. You say that she does not reciprocate during foreplay. Think about what you would enjoy her to do, and tell her. Do not make it sound like an accusation (“You never reciprocate”), make it a positive suggestion (“I would love to receive oral/ a foot massage/a smack on the bum”). She will probably be grateful for the guidance.

It is time to get imaginative. Try multitasking. For example, Jill might enjoy giving you pleasure with her mouth while you are using the toy.

If you can let go of that negative little sniper in your mind, and fully embrace and enjoy what is happening in the now, with all of your senses involved in fully experiencing your intimacy, you will probably find it easier to be creative, and think of ways to mix things up.

There is one more thing to be aware of. Jill is at the age when menopause often occurs. This can be a time when a woman experiences a drop in her libido, slowness to become aroused, vaginal dryness, hot flushes, and other annoying symptoms. There is a popular misconception that this signals the end of her sex life, but that is incorrect. There might be some change in your intimate life, but, If you approach this sensitively, and try to understand what is happening for her, and are prepared to be adaptable you can continue to enjoy awesome sex well into the future.

It is better to have a conversation about this when you are not being intimate. Choose a time when you are getting on well. Make sure that you are relaxed, and ensured of privacy, and talk about sex. Be positive, supportive, and honest. Be vulnerable, and confess your insecurities. Listen. Laugh. This could turn into a very hot conversation that launches a whole new era of pleasure for you both.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

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