About last night: Get past your fear by talking about sex and having a massage 08-07-18

July 11, 2018

Q: I would love Tess to reciprocate foreplay with me, but it seems she only wants to receive, not give. After 15 years of me actively showing her attention and pre-intercourse play, is it now too late for me to seek some pleasuring from her? I know it’s not about having to be always 50-50, but it’s been a long time since she focused on my body and I don’t know how to raise it with her. I’ve never strayed from our bed, although I wonder if I’m missing out?

A: At the heart of your issue lies the telling phrase, “it’s been a long time since she focused on my body and I don’t know how to raise it with her”. No matter how long a couple have been together, or how much they love each other, it is often excruciatingly difficult to talk about sex.

Our sexuality is linked to many powerful emotions. It can be embarrassing. There is fear involved – fear of rejection, of hurting someone’s feelings, of saying something that haunts the relationship, or, worse, ends it. Get past fear, and talk to Tess.

Right now, you are making up stories that trigger your emotions, but may not be true. Is it true that Tess never reciprocates? Can you know for sure that she only wants to receive, not give? Is she knowingly being unfair, or causing you to miss out? Is your best option for getting more sexual attention infidelity?

Byron Katie invites us to challenge the stories that cause us to suffer. She teaches strategies to escape our unhelpful thoughts in her powerful audiobook, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life. That is a big claim, but I have personally experienced to benefits of doing ”the work”.

Even the most loving long-term couple can find their lovemaking becoming formulaic, predictable, and a little repetitive. Also, in times past, men were expected to pursue the woman, and to initiate sex. It still does not come naturally for many women to be proactive, or to take control. Tess might be oblivious to your frustration. Is it reasonable to be resentful if Tess is unaware you have a problem?

Tell her how you feel, but avoid sounding critical, self-pitying, or as though you are giving an ultimatum. Nothing blocks the ear, and the heart, better than defensiveness, or perceived injustice.

Find a time when you two are getting on well, but are not in bed, and say something like, “I love you and our lovemaking. I would really enjoy it if I could lie back and have you caress my body. Is that something you would be willing to try?”

Only when you listen to her response will you learn the truth of the situation.

Because many women are not used to doing the seducing, Tess might have no real idea what to do, and might feel inadequate, or foolish. That is where massage can be useful. Massage does not have to be sexual, but it can be a great way to explore, and get to know your lover’s body, and the kind of touch they enjoy.

Consider getting an inexpensive massage table. Trying to massage someone on a bed can be awkward, and uncomfortable. Also, when your partner lies on that table they are surrendering to your touch, which can be empowering.

Use a good quality massage oil, as this makes touch far more sensual. If you dislike feeling oily, or are worried about mess, use pure maize cornflour It can easily be shaken out or vacuumed.

Rubbing someone all over, or caressing their genitals, might seem to be a no-brainer, but an online search under ”learn sensual massage” will bring up numerous sites offering tips on how to achieve even more subtle, pleasurable, and erotic results. For example, who knew the sensual possibilities of the front of the neck, the lower back, behind the knees, or that dip on your ankle? Check out, ”9 Tips for Giving Your Partner the Hottest Massage Ever” (cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/g2152/how-to-give-sensual-massage/).

Do not allow your imaginings to spoil your relationship. Instead, talk, clear the air, negotiate, and move into a better future.

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