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About Last Night: Enjoy willing participation 05-11-17

Q: Jill and I are adventurous playmates in our early 50s, but increasingly I notice Jill only wanting foreplay that focuses on her erogenous zones, with no reciprocal effort on her part. And her main lovemaking pleasure is when we combine missionary or “doggy” position with me and a large sex toy much bigger than just me fully aroused. How do I ask her about this without seeming insecure?

A: First and foremost, be grateful and happy that Jill is an adventurous and willing participant in your lovemaking, who feels safe and confident enough to pursue her desires in the bedroom. It is common for one or other person to lose interest once the novelty of being with a partner has worn off. When a couple has being having sex for a while there is a danger that things will become formulaic, or that one or both partners gets a little lazy, especially if there is no clear communication about what each person would like to do.

When I had the Bliss for Women shop, women would often come in to buy a sex toy. They would look at the range, then many would say, “I’d like to buy that big one, but I’ll get the smaller size so that hubby doesn’t feel insecure.”.

I always thought that it was a shame that they felt that they could not enjoy their authentic desires for fear of bruising a delicate male ego. The fact is that Jill probably adores your penis, just as it is. Some women do, however, enjoy the feeling of extreme fullness too. Many sex toys are much bigger than is anatomically probable, or even possible, but they offer another style of stimulation. Similarly, you might be aroused by the sight of a pair of massive breasts, but you still adore playing with the breasts Jill owns, whatever their size. Please guys, stop worrying about penis size, and focus on whether your partner is enjoying herself.

Good communication is the basis of good sex. It can be embarrassing to talk about sex, but no one is psychic, and Jill cannot know what to do if she is not told. You need to ask for what you want. You say that she does not reciprocate during foreplay. Think about what you would enjoy her to do, and tell her. Do not make it sound like an accusation (“You never reciprocate”), make it a positive suggestion (“I would love to receive oral/ a foot massage/a smack on the bum”). She will probably be grateful for the guidance.

It is time to get imaginative. Try multitasking. For example, Jill might enjoy giving you pleasure with her mouth while you are using the toy.

If you can let go of that negative little sniper in your mind, and fully embrace and enjoy what is happening in the now, with all of your senses involved in fully experiencing your intimacy, you will probably find it easier to be creative, and think of ways to mix things up.

There is one more thing to be aware of. Jill is at the age when menopause often occurs. This can be a time when a woman experiences a drop in her libido, slowness to become aroused, vaginal dryness, hot flushes, and other annoying symptoms. There is a popular misconception that this signals the end of her sex life, but that is incorrect. There might be some change in your intimate life, but, If you approach this sensitively, and try to understand what is happening for her, and are prepared to be adaptable you can continue to enjoy awesome sex well into the future.

It is better to have a conversation about this when you are not being intimate. Choose a time when you are getting on well. Make sure that you are relaxed, and ensured of privacy, and talk about sex. Be positive, supportive, and honest. Be vulnerable, and confess your insecurities. Listen. Laugh. This could turn into a very hot conversation that launches a whole new era of pleasure for you both.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

About Last Night: Prepare for the next stage 29-10-17

Q: Twenty years married, with three children (19, 16, 13), Beth and I are happy and comfortable. Most people would say we have it all – a beautiful home, two cars, yearly holidays et cetera. I have nothing to complain about, but I am feeling trapped. I turned 45 last month and I feel like my life is passing me by. What’s wrong with me?

A: Life is a series of changing stages, and, although every person is different, there are some generalised patterns.

For many people, their 20s are a time of training and education, forming relationships, establishing a career, starting a family, and generally getting life under way. Everything is new, challenging, and full of potential. The future is a wide vista, and anything is possible.

In your 30s, life can get really busy, with work, children, bill paying, sports, and hobbies. The years fly past in a blur, and too much is going on to stop and think. There can be little room for “Me Time”, or fun and recreation. But the future still stretches out ahead, and there is still time to follow your dreams.

By the 40s, you are starting to get established and have settled into a predictable routine. The children are becoming more self-sufficient. It is possible to pause and take stock. You realise your options are shrinking. You are never going to play for Collingwood, or win an Oscar. If you are working, you know that the ladder ahead has only a certain number of rungs. You notice signs of ageing. The words “menopause” and “prostate examination” are mentioned. The future no longer seems endless, and old age appears on the horizon.

In your relationship, you have been through the excitement of dating, falling in love, and starting on life’s path as a couple. You have also been through the years where you were so tired and busy that your relationship has been neglected. Some couples become colleagues who run on parallel tracks that never merge. The fun, sexy selves that fell in love have disappeared, and soon you will be living in an empty nest. (Cue Peggy Lee singing, Is That All There Is?)

This is the time of the mid-life crisis. Both men and women can be struck by anxiety – that they have made poor life choices, that there is a world to explore, and they have missed the boat. They want reassurance that they are still vital, attractive, and relevant. Some go on a fitness drive (middle-aged men in Lycra), or get a makeover. Others buy a Harley, or start dressing like their kids, who are now the cool and sexy peeps, who see you as lame, and sexless.

As a result, any attention from a member of the opposite sex is gratefully received as validation that you are still sexually viable. Having an affair, especially with someone younger, can be tempting because it gives you back the passion and excitement that has waned at home.

Everything you are feeling is completely natural. You are transitioning into the next stage of your life, and it is probably going to be great.

As the kids leave home, you have more free time, and money is less of a worry. It is appropriate to discover the things that you would like to do – start a small business, make a tree change, learn an instrument …

However, never make major life changes from a position of fear or self-pity. Decisions made out of desperation can have massive consequences, resulting in a lot of pain, regret, remorse and loss. You are free to make your own choices, but you cannot choose the outcome of those choices. Do not jeopardise all you have worked for chasing a fantasy.

Take some time to get back in touch with yourself. Identify what you would like to have in your life that is lacking. Quieten your mind, search your soul (not your ego), make sure that you are going after what you truly need, not just what you want now. You and Beth are entering an awesome time of life.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

About Last Night The good, the bad and the slightly messy 22-10-17

Q: My wife refuses to have sex when she has her period. Are there any medical reasons for not having sex during menstruation?

A: Many people feel squeamish about the idea of getting physically intimate while the woman has her period. Indeed, in many cultures a woman is deemed to be “unclean” at this time, and must keep separate for the duration. For others, shame or the yuck factor make the whole idea unpalatable. You might find this irrational, but remember that sex must be mutually pleasurable.

Some women assume that their man would be grossed out by this idea, but many men find it acceptable, and even arousing. There can also be something erotic about being transgressive, and breaking a taboo.

In an article titled “The good, the bad, and the slightly messy” (health.com), Tara Ford, a physician assistant at the Medical Centre for Female Sexuality in New York, talks about sex and menstruation.

Ford says some women report feeling more aroused and more sensitive around this time. This is because your oestrogen and testosterone levels are low on day one, but they start to rise by day three, and arousal can be easy.

However, Ford observes that here is no right or wrong here, and you need to be willing to respect your partner’s point of view.

“Every couple is different, and some people will be more open to it than others,” she says. “If you’re curious what your partner might think about this, ask them. However, don’t spring it on him or her in the heat of the moment – bring it up before things get hot and heavy. Good communication can lead to great sex at any time during the month.”

How is your sex life in general? If sex is a chore, menstruation can be a good excuse for a week off. Talk to your wife, and find out exactly where her objections lie. As far as health concerns go, it’s perfectly natural and safe for both partners, Ford says.

The biggest concern for most people is the potential for mess, but this is just a matter of preparation and timing, for example, the menstrual flow is heaviest at the start of the period.

Ford suggests that you spread towels on the bed, and, to counter the effects of gravity, stick to the missionary position, with the woman on her back.

Some women take the added precaution of wearing a menstrual cup, or the female condom. Others insert a sterilised piece of sea sponge. This is almost undetectable. Wearing a male condom can also make the clean up easier for him. Afterwards, there is all the fun of sharing a shower.

Ford warns couples not to freak out if they see lumps and clots of dark blood or tissue. These are just bits of the lining of the uterus and are perfectly normal.

Women who suffer from painful menstrual cramps, or excessively heavy bleeding, might not feel at all interested in sex at this time. However, there is some medical evidence that having an orgasm can relieve premenstrual syndrome and period pain.

Also, for women who experience some vaginal dryness, the flow can act as an effective lubricant.

This can also be a time to get creative. After all, sex is not only about penetration. So, if a woman feels aroused, but is reluctant to have intercourse she can wear a tampon and the focus can be on the clitoris, says Ford, and she can still help her partner orgasm with manual or oral stimulation.

The two main medical risks that need to be taken into account are contraception and protection from sexually transmitted infections.

It is possible to get pregnant during menstruation. “Some periods last more than a week and sometimes a woman’s ovulation can overlap with menstruation … and … sperm can last from three to five days,” Ford says.

Viruses that are transmitted by the sharing of bodily fluids, such as hepatitis and HIV, could be present in menstrual blood. Consult your doctor if you are unsure.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

About Last Night : Am I normal? 15-10-17

Q: At 22, I fear I’ll never have a relationship because I don’t enjoy sex. I had a few boyfriends in my teens, but didn’t have sex, only gave them blowjobs. I lost my virginity at 17 to a guy I really loved. I was gutted when he dumped me after three months. Since then, I’ve had a few casual relationships. I don’t enjoy the sex, but it’s expected, and I don’t want to be a “prick” teaser. My last boyfriend liked rough sex, and hassled me for anal. When I objected, he said I wasn’t normal.

A: Have you ever asked yourself why you have sex? Is it to fit in, to please someone else, to avoid losing affection, or to prove that you are normal? Unless you are specifically trying for a baby, the only healthy answer is, “Because it gives me pleasure”.

In this post-porn world, many young people are confused. Porn is made as entertainment, not education, but it is readily available, and is being accessed at a very young age. Sadly, the national sex education system is failing our children.

We would not let our children go in the sea without teaching them to swim, or warning them about rips, and sharks; yet we are too coy, or conservative, to prepare them for the internet jungle.

Recently, I heard of an 18-year old who was suffering from premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. He had started masturbating to porn at 14, and thought that there was something wrong with him if he could not last half an hour. In reality, porn is highly edited. They take breaks, and use “fluffers” and Viagra. The actor is just a life support system for a penis.

Porn also tries to include a variety of sex acts into a short amount of time. The object seems to be to go up in levels, like a computer game. Vaginal, oral, anal, facial etc etc proceed, in formulaic order. Many young women are reporting that they are being asked to have anal sex on a first date.

This is not how most people would explore, enjoy, and give pleasure, to one another if left to follow their desires. Like anything that brings joy, from carpentry to cookery, sex is a journey of discovery that can last a lifetime. There is always something to be learned, and practice makes perfect. Sex can only be satisfying if both partners want to play, are relaxed, and feel respected, and free to be themselves.

We need real sexual freedom. When the late Hugh Hefner started Playboy, sex was heavily regulated, and rife with ignorance, fear and prejudice. Homosexuality was illegal, as were, in parts of the Western world, anal and oral sex, and making home movies. In pursuit of sexual liberation, the Sexual Revolution lifted the lid on a Pandora’s box of pleasures.

The trouble is that, 50-plus years on, we now need to feel free not to have sex, or to limit our activities.

Both men and women would benefit from practising two fundamental strategies – always be a choice, and always ask for what you want.

Next time someone asks to borrow your car, wants you to babysit, needs a loan, or makes any request you do not want to fulfil, take a deep breath, gather up your courage, ignore your guilt or embarrassment, and say, “No, I am not willing to do that”, without offering excuses or apologies.

Practise asking for what you want. Do not be compliant. If you order a black coffee and a latte turns up, send it back. Challenge yourself not to say, “Oh, that’s OK”. If it is not what you want, you must say so, politely, but firmly. You deserve to get what you want as much as the next person.

Similarly, practise asking for what you want from a partner. If you hate back rubs, say so. Help your partner to give you pleasure by telling them how, or where, you would like to be touched. Most crucially, remember that you never, ever have to have sex just because you have engaged in some sexual contact.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

About Last Night: Why society is no longer driven by purely animal instincts 08-10-17

Q: We are animals. Sexual desire exists to encourage reproduction. Every species has evolved strategies to ensure that their DNA continues. Human females raising infants are vulnerable. The male stays with the female to protect his genes. As humans developed complex civilisations, with religions, marriage was formalised. Crudely put, the male agrees to encumber himself with a family on the condition that he is raising his own offspring. Also, he ensures that any wealth accumulated is passed on to benefit the continued existence of his DNA.  The concept of same-sex marriage is nonsense.

A: Yes, we are animals whose instincts play a significant role in many of our behaviours. This does not mean that we are slaves to biological determinism. Your argument has a certain logic, but it is reductive, and inadequate to fully encompass the human experience.

The concept of marriage has evolved, even if some attitudes to it has not. Illustration: Reg Lynch

The concept of marriage has evolved, even if some attitudes to it has not. Illustration: Reg Lynch

Whatever evolutionary changes happened in the human brain were profound. Some explain our leap into self-consciousness in metaphorical or religious terms. The Judeo-Christian/Islamic tradition has Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Human beings began to experience life as much more than the survival of the fittest.

Altruism, compassion, empathy, selfless love and self-sacrifice make little sense in a dog-eat-dog world. We no longer leave our elderly under a bush while the tribe moves on, or expose newborns on mountainsides. Instead, we take care of the weak and vulnerable in order to make life worth living for its own sake.

History has shown that attempts to base society on purely scientific and evolutionary principles create dystopias, not utopias. Nazi eugenics, and Soviet-forced collectivisation resulted in human misery. Science and nature are indifferent and humans need love.

Society is constantly changing. The fundamentals evolve, including our attitudes about marriage. Originally, women and children were property, a herd to be husbanded. Marriage had little to do with falling in love. Twelve-year-olds could be married by proxy for the sake of political and financial contracts.

As late as the 19th century the husband owned his wife, and children, as well as his wife’s property. It was not until the 1880s that this changed, and women’s rights were considered.

The 20th century saw massive shifts in attitudes towards women, marriage, gender roles, and what constitutes a family. However, by mid-century, married women still were not expected to work, and married nurses and teachers lost their jobs. Extramarital sex was taboo, unmarried mothers were outcasts, their babies were “bastards”, and divorce was both difficult and shameful. When I was a teenager, there was a social revolution. Feminism, reliable contraception, and a willingness to question moral certainties changed marriage forever. Homosexuality was made legal, no-fault divorce enabled unhappy couples to separate, sex was no longer restricted to marriage, and the very need for marriage was questioned, leading to a huge increase in de facto relationships.

Some might, and do, argue that these changes have been for the worse. That is debatable, but the fact is that change is inevitable and unstoppable.

Gender wars dominated the last century. Men and women continue to struggle, but my hope is that we can move beyond gender in the 21st century, interacting with one another on a soul-by-soul basis. We must acknowledge and honour difference, but we need not be locked into rigid gender roles.

This is not the first fight for marriage equality.

There was a time when interracial marriage was unacceptable, and genuinely loving couples and loved children were persecuted. Today, many same-sex couples model a level of courage, love, perseverance, commitment, and strength that we can all learn from. Marriage is evolving into a form of human connection that goes way beyond gender.

If marriage is threatened it is not by same-sex couples. It is from the commercialisation of weddings, and unrealistic expectations fostered by the media. If many of us feel disillusioned or disappointed it is not because of our partner’s gender.

My hope is that marriage equality is made law, and we can move onto far more important debates about how to make good marriages, that bring us, and our children, joy and fulfillment

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

About last night: Does Ben really want to experiment, or is he just trying to please me? 01-10-17

Q: Ben is a shy, considerate lover who always puts my pleasure in the bedroom ahead of his own. Lately, we’ve been talking about becoming non-exclusive and playing with others (together). How do I know if he’s just doing this to please me, or really wants to experiment for himself?

A: Many couples fantasise about including another person in their sex play. Heterosexual couples might desire to experiment introducing a second man, some, another woman, and others, a full-on orgy or “gang bang”. For most couples, sharing the fantasy, talking about it during sex, or watching these scenarios in porn, are extremely arousing, and form part of foreplay.

The beauty of fantasy is that the action is always perfect. Everything goes off without a hitch, nobody gets paranoid or jealous, and the action occurs in a dreamscape. The extra players are ciphers, not flesh and blood individuals, with feelings and failings.

Sharing fantasies is a great way to find out what each person finds arousing, and where tastes match, it can be tempting to take the next step, and put the fantasy in to practice. As soon as you do this everything changes.

You ask how you can tell if Ben is genuinely into this idea, or if he’s just trying to please you. You can’t. I doubt even Ben really knows that. You, yourself, might discover that you do not enjoy the reality.

With honesty, sensitivity and a willingness to be vulnerable, go slowly. You must maintain clear communication, keep checking in with one another, and both be willing to stop if one of you freaks out.

One of the questions you need to ask yourself is why you want to try this. If it is to enhance, enrich, and diversify a sex life that is fundamentally sound, it can work out well. However, many people consider “opening up” their relationship because, while they love their partner, they are bored rigid (or flaccid) by their sex lives. We can all be self-deluders, unwilling to admit, even to ourselves, our true motives. Where this urge to experiment stems from dissatisfaction, you can run the risk of weakening your connection. People can and do fall in love with people they meet in this way, and a fundamental flaw can become apparent. Are you willing to risk this possibility?

Many people say that the thing that gives them the greatest pleasure is knowing that their partner is experiencing erotic bliss. Seeing you being pleasured by someone else could be the ultimate turn on for Ben, and his giving attitude need not mean he is being self-sacrificing.

To avoid disappointment, prepare yourselves for reality. Grow a thick skin, practise patience, and be willing to deal with the unexpected when you play this game. The process of finding a suitable playmate, arranging the practicalities of the meet up, and being willing to adapt to circumstances is essential. People cancel at the last minute, find themselves unable to rise to the occasion, have unusual mannerisms, make odd noises when they are aroused, try to get out of using condoms at the last minute, talk too much …

We are all human, and sex can trigger unexpected responses. I heard of two couples who decided to try partner swapping. All was going swimmingly, until Mr B. looked over at his wife and saw that she was really enjoying herself. He then burst into tears, and Ms A. was left comforting and soothing the poor guy. Awkward. That never happens in the movies.

If you do decide to proceed you need to agree that this is an experiment, and that you are both willing not to continue if one partner decides the reality is not erotic for them.

Before you begin the arduous process of visiting dating sites, negotiating with potential partners, setting up meetings and so on, there is one way that you can learn more about group sex, and get a feel for its rightness for you. Curious Creatures’ Curiosity workshop is designed for people like you who are interested in sexual exploration. Details of these, and other sex-related workshops can be found at curiouscreatures.biz.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

About Last Night: I’m worried that my illness is going to kill our relationship 24-09-17

Q: I’m 32, and have been going out with Paul for five years. He’s my best friend, and we love each other, but our sex life is almost non-existent. I have endometriosis, and am often in pain, especially during sex. As a result I fear experiencing pain, Paul fears hurting me, and the whole thing’s tense and unsexy. I’m worried that this is going to kill our relationship, although Paul’s been very understanding.

A: Painful sex is never OK, and it is no good trying to “soldier on” to please a partner. Repeated painful encounters will act like aversion therapy, making sexual pleasure less and less likely.

Dr Elizabeth Farrell, the gynaecologist at Jean Hailes for Women’s Health, says there are many causes of sexual pain and the causes need to be determined. “Pelvic floor tightness or spasm can be a cause of severe entry and vaginal pain, which can be a response to deeper pain,” she says. “Sometimes pain occurs when a woman tightens her pelvic floor as a response and then unknowingly the tightness persists, causing more and more pain.”

The endometrium is the layer of tissue that lines the womb, or uterus. If conception does not occur after ovulation, this lining is shed, resulting in a woman’s menstrual period. The hormone, oestrogen, choreographs this cycle.
Endometriosis is a complex condition. Somehow, endometrial tissue escapes from the uterus, and starts to grow elsewhere in the body cavity. Where it occurs determines what, if any, symptoms the woman has.

Because this tissue responds to oestrogen, it changes throughout the cycle and discomfort can be worse around menstruation. This rogue tissue can have a range of other health impacts. Being of a sticky composition, it can cause parts, such as the bladder and the bowel, to adhere. Depending on where it appears it can also affect fertility. Every case is different, and there is no one-size-fits-all treatment. Ongoing monitoring is required.

Dr Farrell advises: “With her history of endometriosis this young woman needs to be seen by her GP to assess her pain. A referral for pelvic floor physiotherapy may be appropriate. It is important to exclude a recurrence of the endometriosis or whether there is a pain management problem so she may need to be seen by a gynaecologist with expertise in endometriosis. A sympathetic assessment of the sexual pain and a subsequent plan to help her symptoms is necessary.”

More information can be found on the Jean Hailes website: jeanhailes.org.au/health-a-z/endometriosis.

Endometriosis is one of the few conditions that improves with age. Some women get symptomatic relief from the oestrogen-controlling effects of the contraceptive pill. Oestrogen falls at menopause, and the hormone cycle ceases, as do the symptoms.

However, at 32, this prospect is hardly cheering. Medical practitioners are trained to treat physical symptoms, but human sexuality is much more than a physical function. Desire, intimacy, emotional bonding, individual self-esteem and wellbeing, all of this is complex. Many doctors do not feel equipped to deal with the effects of an illness on the person’s sexual relationships. So, alongside your medical treatment, you need support and guidance in achieving a successful sex life.

Dr Anita Elias, the head of Monash Health’s Sexual Medicine and Therapy Clinic, and of the Sexual Counselling Clinic at the Royal Women’s Hospital’s Malvern Psychotherapy Centre, says the first step would be to have a thorough assessment by a doctor with experience in managing sexual difficulties.

Free treatment is available at both of the clinics mentioned.

Only you can be treated for endometriosis, but Paul needs to be part of the rebuilding of your sex life. It is easy for the supporting partner to feel sidelined. Both of you would benefit from joining a support group. It helps to know you are not alone, to share stories and ideas, and to find meaningful support. Find your nearest group at www.endometriosisaustralia.org.

Meanwhile, you and Paul need to broaden your definition of sex. Many people who cannot have penetrative intercourse enjoy rich and erotic sex lives. Explore caressing, oral sex, and “outercourse”. Investigate Tantra, erotic massage, kink, and role play.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

About Last Night: Vigorous exercise can lift the gloom and heighten pleasures 17-09-17

Q: I’m a healthy 64-year-old woman who enjoys a satisfying sex life. Menopause was tough, but I’m OK now. My libido’s active, my body gets physically aroused, and, usually, I can have strong orgasms, especially with the Womanizer toy you once recommended. For a few weeks lately I’ve had the winter blues, staying indoors, and worrying about current affairs.  When I’ve tried to cheer myself up with an orgasm it’s been difficult. After a while, my clitoris gets sore. I feel a heaviness and a slight ache in my pelvic area but nothing more. Am I breaking down?

A: I think people everywhere have been suffering from the winter blues, even in the parts of the world where it is summer. There seems to be something to fear everywhere you look, and not many positive stories feature in the news media. A certain level of anxiety is completely natural, but it can be exacerbated by the time of year.

In the southern parts of Australia that have the four seasons, winter means shorter days, and limited sunshine. When I was in Sweden this year the locals found my description of a Melbourne winter risible. Nevertheless, some people can still be afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), where inadequate light stimulation results in lowered mood and energy. Light therapy can alleviate these symptoms if they are severe, but they usually pass as the days get longer.

Cut yourself some slack, and relax. Most of us are less active in winter. Hunkering down in our warm home is more attractive than venturing out in the cold. We often socialise less, move our bodies less, indulge in comfort food, and turn inwards. This can leave us more susceptible to the depressing and disheartening affects of bad news from the outside world.

The best way to drive out the blues is to do some kind of vigorous exercise. The endorphins released are the best mood enhancers available. Without exercise, you become sluggish and your senses are dulled. Low energy means getting motivated is hard, but force yourself to take a brisk walk, go to the gym, take a yoga class, or play a sport. Your body will become more sensitive and responsive to sexual pleasure.

Practice mindfulness. Deal with the moment you are in, being fully present. While it is important to be informed about what is happening elsewhere, let go of the negatives you cannot affect. As Byron Katie says in Loving What Is, that is God’s (the Universe’s) business. You do not have to abdicate from your responsibilities, but you must protect your spirit in order to be available to act, when there is something you can do to make the world better.

It is true that an orgasm is an effective remedy for the blues, but it is not like taking a painkiller.

Older women take longer to become physically aroused, so it is important to take your time, and avoid impatience. Like the watched kettle that never boils, an orgasm that is being worried about and willed to occur will never happen. Again, try to be in the moment, not fixated on a destination.

Sexual arousal is mental, as well as physical. It does not help to go in cold. Have a warm shower, play sensual music, read some erotica, indulge in fantasy – these kinds of preparation are a form of foreplay that get things going before you have any direct sexual stimulation.

Vary the style of stimulation. You have a very effective toy, but simply applying one kind of stimulation over a long period is bound to desensitise you, and prolonged, direct clitoral touch will result in numbness, then soreness.

Go slowly. It is better to have short sessions of stimulation, spaced out through the day, to allow sexual energy to build and the blood vessels in your genital area to become engorged. That heaviness you describe is engorgement. It means that an orgasm is in the wings, but the overstimulation and mental concentration is blocking that release. Like sneezing, having an orgasm cannot be forced. Take a break, take your time, trust your body, and be kind to yourself.

Email your questions to abtlastnight@gmail.com

New Product Advice : BodyWand Mini series

Click on the image  to see the range 

 

 

What an absolutely gorgeous little toy to have on hand with you wherever you go. They just look sooo cute with a dual row of crystals decorating the body of the toy

What a great little toy. Its shaped to look like the bigger Wand style vibrators but its a mini go anywhere version.

Deceptively powerful

High quality soft touch materials feels soft and comfortable

Quiet, so suitable for use in share houses or anywhere really where discretion is required

Flexible neck to get right where you want it 🙂

10cm long (thats 4″ in old speak) easy to stash and carry

Comes with batteries supplies

New Product Advice: Womanizer Plus Long White

Have you heard about the Womanizer range? They are very successful toys according to the feedback we get from happy customers. Very recently we we thanked by an older lady who has experience a little less libido than she would like as she ages, and she was thrilled with the Womanizer.

The latest in the range the the Womanizer Plus Long, all the same amazing abilities as its legendary  siblings , the Plus Long White which has makes for easy reach for people with limited mobility for example.

See the Womanizer Plus Long White by clicking on its image below

Or see all the Womanizer variants by clicking here